Know body

Understanding the Nervous System, Isolation, and Connection

Many of us experience sensations in our bodies that feel uncomfortable, painful, or frightening. These may include anxiety in the chest, a tight stomach, heaviness, numbness, or a deep emotional ache that seems to appear out of nowhere. These sensations can arise suddenly, during the day, in moments of quiet, or even waking us from sleep. Understandably, we would want to avoid them. Why would we choose to sit with feelings that are so distressing?

Often, we try to push these experiences away. We distract ourselves, stay busy, rationalise, or tell ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel this way. Yet despite these efforts, the sensations often return. This can leave us feeling confused, frustrated, or ashamed. Understanding how the nervous system works can help make sense of why this happens and why the body plays such a central role in emotional wellbeing.

The Nervous System as the Starting Point of Experience

All of our experiences begin in the nervous system. It is constantly taking in information from both inside and outside the body, sounds, sights, tone of voice, facial expressions, memories, and internal sensations. The nervous system acts as a filter, assessing whether something feels safe, dangerous, or overwhelming.

Once this information is processed, it is translated into physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behavioural responses. These responses are automatic and shaped by past experiences. Following stress, loss, or trauma, the nervous system may continue to respond as if danger is present, even when it is not.

Nervous System Memory and Neuroception

When an experience is overwhelming and cannot be fully processed at the time, it may become held in the nervous system as implicit or nervous system memory. Rather than being remembered as a clear story, it shows up as bodily sensations, emotions, or reactions that seem to come “out of the blue.” These responses are not flaws; they are signs of a nervous system that learned how to survive.

Stephen Porges introduced the term neuroception to describe the nervous system’s automatic and unconscious scanning for safety, danger, or threat. Neuroception operates beneath conscious awareness and is influenced by past experiences and relationships. When safety is detected, we tend to feel calmer and more able to connect. When threat is detected, responses such as anxiety, withdrawal, shutdown, or emotional distance may arise, even when the mind knows we are safe.

Isolation as a Protective Strategy

For many people, one way the nervous system seeks safety is through isolation. This can look like pushing others away, feeling that you “need nobody,” or believing it is safer to rely only on yourself. While this can feel painful, it is often an adaptive response. At some point, closeness or dependence may not have felt safe or reliable.

Withdrawing from others can reduce stimulation and perceived threat, offering a sense of control. However, while isolation may feel protective in the short term, it can deepen loneliness and disconnection over time. As human beings, we are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are shaped and regulated through relationship.

Rebuilding Safety Through Connection

Healing does not mean forcing closeness or ignoring protective instincts. It involves gradually building experiences of safety with others, at a pace that feels manageable. This might mean letting one person in a little, sharing and noticing how it feels to be met without judgement.

Safety is built through consistency, choice, and respect. Therapeutic relationships can offer a starting point, providing a boundaried, attuned space where connection can be experienced without overwhelm. Over time, this can make it easier to take gentle steps toward connection in the wider world.

A Compassionate Perspective

Understanding the nervous system allows us to move from self-criticism to compassion. Instead of asking, “Why do I push people away?” we can ask, “What has my nervous system learned about safety and connection?” With awareness, support, and openness, it becomes possible to soften defences, strengthen relationships, and feel safer with others.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.